tenderness

i need to rant. i went to an awarding ceremony today and was dressed down for it; i felt inadequate being there, with everybody wearing gowns and tuxedos, surrounded by a bunch of faces i did not care for. i didn’t take the dress code seriously and came in a polo tucked under a casual dress. my feature story was nominated for Top Award, but didn’t win. i won an Award of Excellence though, which i think is okay. i didn’t want to go initially because i was afraid. i thought that if i went, they’d tell me everything was a huge mistake and that they got it all wrong and that i didn’t really win the award and if i could just return the award and go back home please. i was afraid that they’d see me as the phony that i am, that i don’t really know anything, and that’ I’m not deserving of the award because i’m a quack. at the same time, i felt bothered because a part of me wanted to win the top award, but a part of me felt like an impostor. the feeling is obsessive. i am caught between my fear of losing and fear of winning. my pride makes me fear rejection and failure, yet at the same time, i fear achievement. how do you comprehend such a thing?

i will admit, i was disappointed i didn’t win top award. i was hoping i would, but we lose some and win some. the award went to a literary folio instead. the criteria is weird and apparently, you can only be nominated for top award if you win an award of excellence. i won that, so that’s one award. i guess a part of me was just hoping i’d make the top. apparently not.

but it’s really funny. it’s funny because i still feel the same. awards, i thought before, are something that would make me happy. it’s a slap to the face because what i thought would make me happy in this world doesn’t make me happy at all. with or with no writing award, i still feel like utter shit. i honestly really don’t know what makes me happy. not the top award. not recognition, not fame, not power. not money, though it would make things a little bit easier, i guess, but it wont make me happy, no. not a boat full of friends and admirers, even.

i don’t understand. i’m not speaking out of bitterness, i won an award myself, but it just gives a bad taste in my mouth how people make such a huge deal out of themselves. i was almost embarrassed going up the stage with my award. i don’t understand how anyone can think of themselves as being “up there”. i don’t understand arrogance. how can you be that way up in your head when you know that you don’t really know much? it’s a writing award and i should be happy and proud and i am, i suppose, i don’t mean to sound ungrateful or self deprecating (which is just as bad), but when i see people in award ceremonies, i cant help but cringe. it’s a night of glamour, yes, but when it’s over, we go back to our simple lives and we are not, all of a sudden, better writers. i still go back to a broken home, sit on my desk and break my back every night, forcing myself to write, hating myself more and more. this is what people don’t see. they don’t see that i don’t feel confident at all when i sit in front of a blank sheet of paper. i wish they saw this, so we can admit to ourselves that all these awards are nothing but white noise. it wont make me bankable or kinder nor will it make me love myself more. it’s just another thing to add on my resumé and i’ve decided long ago that i don’t want to live for my resumé or eulogy.

i read a poem by Charles Bukowski and it spoke to me because it is so real. the poem’s title is “this”. here’s a fragment of it:

self congratulatory nonsense

as the famous gather to applaud their seeming greatness

as the deathly talentless bow to accolades

as the fools are fooled again

you wonder where the real ones are.

if there are real ones.

i think we are all fools. i think we don’t really know anything and the more we learn and the more degrees and awards we accumulate, the more we should realize that we don’t really know much and cant ever know everything. and this shouldn’t give us a license for arrogance. not even a license to think that we are, in any way, close to being good.

i went to wabi sabi after the awarding. it’s a small restaurant in the ugly part of the city, inside a nondescript warehouse, a little ways past the costume shop down a dim alley. i always keep coming back to this place. i thought the place is so apropos for me. wabi sabi. welcoming imperfection like an old friend. accepting it. living with it. i go there every week and order the same steaming cup of suanong and, sometimes, a bowl of tantanmen or pho, depending if  i want something rich or something light.

i always sit by the single-diner table, facing the wall, beside the stack of old magazines with rat droppings sandwiched between each one for never being read. it saves me from the awkwardness and prying eyes of people in groups, which doesn’t happen too often because the place is almost always empty or occupied by single diners as well. it was raining hard and it was flooding outside. the rain’s still going and going—it’s persistent in its mission to keep me out of the house.

of course, i didnt tell my parents about this award. not that they care or anything, because they show no interest or support whatsoever with my writing. i don’t mind though. i’ve surmised a long time ago that this is something i have to do alone. i cannot dream around my parents. most of the time, they make me feel guilty for being alive. and they will never get the best of me. and i will never let them see the best of me. and i will continue working and transcending and i wont pay them any mind. i will continue to dream.

and my dreams scare me. they scare me so so much. i cannot even write them down here. i cannot even say them out loud. but they’re always in my mind, always. i will be flayed, stripped, and undone, but i guess it cant be called dreaming if it weren’t painful, if it didn’t break my spirit like nothing else can. i am so desperate to challenge myself beyond the blinkers of the little i know. though, i think, i unconsciously know what i want. i think it’s why i am here. i think my unconscious guides me to where i am headed, wherever that is. i cannot be doing all of this randomly, don’t you think? perhaps there are inner workings of myself, working on its own, as if unbidden, as if it has its own person. or, perhaps, it is me, still me, just an undiscovered side of me. well whatever it may be, i think it is unconsciously guiding me there. wherever there is, even though most days i fail to recognize myself.

it was a good time, being alone, by the way. the coffee came with a single cup filter and it was hot just how i liked it hot. the condensed milk rested at the bottom, and i watched as the coffee turned lighter and lighter with every swing of the spoon. bittersweet, just like this day. the pho had soft glass noodles, its broth minty, light, and refreshing, topped with little flags of cabbage and of celery, and bean sprouts crunchy and perfect the way they are. a dash of fish sauce and a nice squeeze of calamansi. i like talking about food this way, as if they were friends. i learned that from Pablo Neruda, who saw the beauty in everything, from a bar of soap to a chair to an artichoke and an onion! i think a good bowl of soup is quiet in its magnificence. comforting, like a long-awaited hug from someone familiar.

let me go back to what i said earlier, when i said i do not really know what makes me happy. i am not demanding for love or someone to complete me. i would hate it if i lived my life carrying everywhere a sense of lack that i so long to fill. i don’t think i am fragmented in any way. i think i am a whole person, and do not need an other half in the way people look at other halves. i think i am already whole. i’ve always been. i mean, how can you be only half of yourself? i suppose i just do not know how to accept this wholeness of mine, in all its nakedness and convolutions and complications. i am still learning to accept it, still trying to know it, and discover and be surprised in all its secrets (there are things i have yet to discover from my Self). i am still trying to love it, show it kindness, this wholeness of mine. i have jabbed it with hatred for so long it’s not fair. i wish i didn’t feel ashamed of it.

what i really want is tenderness. warm, brown hands that are always willing, ready, to take me into them. in spite of the bad days and bouts of doubt and insecurity and self hatred. i long for tenderness.

The Other

I’ve been taking hourly naps everyday since uni break began, but I’ve also been waking up at later hours. It’s funny because I don’t even do much throughout the day, other than my usual workout in the morning, I just bum in front of my computer screen. So I took my hourly nap then woke up to have dinner out with my mom and younger brother. I must admit, the dinner was pretty great. The food was superb, the ambiance was perfect, and the three of us were all in a good mood. My dad left really early this morning for vacation, so my mom was feeling pretty lonely. She was in high spirits during the dinner though, which I think is because of the pizza and the sensational french onion soup.

So she was her usual self: Gushing over the delicious food, serving me and my brother food on our plates, cutting the pizza for me even though I can do it myself, making sure my water glass is never empty, checking out the other tables’ orders and commenting whether it looks delicious or not, telling me to be cautious of the candle near me because I might burn myself, swaying to the music…all of this while eating. I seriously cannot live without my mother’s naggery. Mothers, I have realized, are masters of multitasking.

My younger brother, on the other hand, is in love. Unf. And I can tell because throughout the car ride and dinner, he kept glancing down on his phone to reply to his best friend’s messages. He’s in love with his best friend, which I believe is a very beautiful thing. Who wouldn’t want to fall in love with their best friend? I want the same thing for me. Ha-ha. Frankly, I’ve never met the girl, but from the manner he speaks of her (and the frequency), it’s as if I already have. He is smitten. He also turned 18 two weeks ago.

No amount of observation can make me understand the feeling that he is feeling. Sure I can see the tiny smile curving on his lips when his phone vibrates, the furrow of his brows, the fast reflexes of his fingers to type back a reply, but I do not feel the emotions coursing through him when he reads her message, nor can I feel the emotions he feels every time he lies at night, thinking of her. I can only observe from the surface, which is something that I’ve been doing ever since. I realize, I can never really know a person’s feeling and emotions just by looking at them. Speaking to them about it doesn’t suffice either; our feelings are our own, and no one can take that away from us. I guess that’s the beauty of being an individual: Our feelings are private.

[Un]fortunately for me, I am not in love. Ha! So I was left to enjoy the food completely, my attention undivided. Food is love. I have never known love until I tasted tonight’s french onion soup. Really sensational stuff.

Onto more important things: Our national elections is this Monday. I have avoided Facebook due to the influx of posts about our presidential candidates, the black propagandas, the rants, the armchair activism—it is all too stressful. One thing is for sure: Our elected president is not our savior. Change comes from the individual, and it’s about time people stopped treating our president as if they are the messiah. Only the people are capable of changing the course of our country. So God bless the Philippines, if He hasn’t forsaken us yet.

I also applied for the assistant editorial position of my school paper. It took much coaxing from myself and fellow co-writers, but I gave in. I still haven’t decided if I will run for the executive board, but I dont want to think about that just yet. I still have a few weeks to ponder about it, and right now, well, I don’t want to touch on the subject. Ignorance is bliss lol. Anyway, at least I’ve taken the first step and applied as assistant feature editor. I realize, I cannot be afraid of change. I was rereading Paulo Coelho’s ‘By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept’ wherein he talks about The Other briefly. The Other is the one who taught us what we should be like, but not who we are. The Other, afraid of disappointment, keeps us from taking action.

For the longest time, The Other has ruled my mind and being. It is the voice in my head that holds me back, the ever-so-cautious tone the prevents me from doing anything risky or out of my comfort zone. The Other feeds on my weaknesses, banking on my fears and doubts then spews them all out during moments of self-reflection that often turns to self-deprecation. Maybe I should try that new dance class? Ask the guy I like out? Run for an editorial position? The Other rejects all these thoughts, constantly telling me to forget it. It is afraid of rejection and failure. What if I look stupid dancing? What if he doesn’t like me back? What if I lose in the EB race? I’m not smart enough. I’m better off here, thanks. Thus, The Other is also afraid of change and success. It thus, also, thrives on complacency and mediocrity.

And if there’s anything in this life that gives a sour taste in my mouth, it’s failure and cowardice. Whatever I endeavor in this life, I shall try to make a go for it and give all of me in the process of doing so. I admit, I haven’t banished The Other completely out of my life. It’s always at the back of my mind, waiting to see me fail and get rejected. I think I’m still a long way away from getting rid of The Other permanently, but right now I’ve managed to keep it under control. It isn’t ruling my mind anymore; I’ve sent it out of my head and is in the corner of my room, brooding. And that’s where it shall stay until, of course, I start losing my bearings once again. But right now The Other is out of my system, and I plan to retain it this way for the next couple of weeks. I need to be mentally strong. In fact, my mental game has to be at its strongest, especially since I have big things coming up for me in the next few months and I. Cannot. Afford. To. Fucking. Lose. My. Shit. Goddamn it.

I cannot be a “yes, but” person. Life, I think, is far too short for that. And my 11 year old self would scold me for being a coward instead of a lady with a little spice. So here’s to going out of comfort zones and trying out new things, regardless of the outcome. Here’s to becoming a lady with a little spice. It’s not really the goal that matters the most, I think, but the journey towards that goal and the wisdom we acquire throughout. I just need to keep this positivity at a constant and consistent level so I don’t feel great today, then a total downer the next day. My self-esteem has a tendency to wax and wane depending on my mood and the weather lol.

It’s already 12:57 a.m. I think part of the reason or the only reason why I am waking up at later hours since uni break is because I’ve been sleeping past midnight, because I finally found time to write down my thoughts and emotions during the late hours. But this isn’t really good for me. I need to hit the sack. Goodnight and don’t forget to banish your Other. At least for the meantime. 🙂