Weary

Weary

I am so tired. Balancing thesis, majors, internship, part-time work, and org work is no easy feat; I’m starting to think that maybe I bit more than I can chew for this term. Before the term started, I told myself I’d handle it well, that I’d be disciplined and careful with my time, but I find myself restless and sleep-starved every single day. I wake up every morning for class, then commute straight to internship until 6pm. Commute back home (or to school, if I have org work) and get home by 7 pm if I’m lucky with traffic (or lack, thereof) but that’s impossible in the metro.

Throughout the day I’d be sitting in the classroom or at the office desk doing my tasks, and find myself checking my phone and Facebook all the time, because as editor of the school paper, I have to be on-call most times and respond immediately to messages from fellow editors and my staffers, just in case we have to cover news inside and outside the university. I realize the student body and other stakeholders depend so much on our news that we have to be logged in to our social media accounts at all times for breaking news. Indigenous indignation rally gone wrong? Tweet about it and send staffers and photographers to the scene. Class suspension due to storm? Announce it earlier than other news platforms. And it’s difficult, because being tied down to social media every day is sucking my soul. I long to open my Facebook and not see one single notification. Actually, I long to never open my Facebook account ever again.

We are also preparing for our November issue and I know in the next few hours and days I would have to start annotating and editing my staffers’ articles, because as editor, this is what I’m supposed to do. And I’m not complaining, but paired with my part-time work, wherein I write news for the daily national paper and report to a senior editor while being editor to my own staffers, I can’t help but feel so overworked and tired.

My majors classes aren’t really a pain in the ass because academics have never really been a problem with me, but thesis, man, we are just in the early stages of thesis writing and I already feel so drained. Internship is starting to be stressful, but only because I have a special project with my co-intern to create publicity materials for the corporation and I realized my marketing skills aren’t that great, so I’ve been staying up late working on my graphic design and Adobe skills which, I must add, I think, are hopeless lol. But I really am trying, so I hope it goes well.

Next week also is our awards night for the school paper and much preparation has to be done; I’m crossing my fingers that it goes well. I know the editorial board shouldn’t be stressing about it because you know, it’s a night to have fun and remember, but the whole planning and logistics of it is stressful. My social life is suffering too, but maybe because I’m not putting effort in communicating with my friends also. But, to be honest, I decided a few days ago to distance myself from my friends for now because they’ve been toxic these past few weeks and I really cannot afford to lose my mental shit and I’m just so tired of their small conversations, so I guess I just need to displace myself and bask in silence and solitude. And I like it, because solitude will always be my best friend, and I will never get tired of alone time.

I wish I had more time to read and write. I’ve been writing my thoughts down lately for 15 minutes every day (or every other day) and I realize this works for me, taking advantage of small windows of time to put words down. But I long to sit down and read a long winding novel for hours, long for the feeling of writing a novel again, and I wish I had all the time in the world to write and read and I know I shouldn’t be complaining and should make time for it, but I realize, I literally have no time, and when I do, I find my physical body giving up on me and I wish I were bionic so I never needed sleep or food and just thrived on literature and writing.

And I miss having whole afternoons to myself, writing thoughts down and continuing my novel or pursuing investigative and narrative feature stories, but the past few days have been ruthless and I find myself stuck on chapter 1 and it’s pitiful, really, because I should be putting more time into my writing. And every day when I ride the bus to work, I wonder, is this what I really want to do with my life? Restless and weary, working an office job, inside a cold behemoth corporate building? I don’t mind working a desk job as long as it is writing, but I also realize I have to go beyond my comfort zone and familiarity, and bask in uncertainty and new experiences.

I know I need to challenge myself more, God forbid. But I know for myself that I am really trying my best, and so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. As long as I’m trying every single day then that’s all anyone can ever ask for, I guess. I have internship in a few minutes but I just needed to let this out. I. Am. Tired. But it’s okay, because life is supposed to be taxing. I’m crossing my fingers, though for the next few days. I hope I get to have alone time soon.

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