(from my journal)
A blank new page at last. I’ve missed writing down my thoughts, so this makes me happy. I’m writing with a pencil, as usual. I write with a pencil because, most times, my thoughts are all over the place and when my thoughts are all over the place I, most likely, will make a lot of errors and I am deathly afraid of errors. As a writer, it’s a pretty funny thing. Most writers I know love a good pen, but, I think, ink is too permanent–no matter how many times I cross out my errors, a pencil’s impermanency gives me more conciliation. Just like life, I guess. Someday I hope to overcome my fear of errors and write with unstoppered ink. But, for now, I will stick to my gummy eraser and trusty sharpener.
I don’t know what to make of the past few weeks. It has been hectic at home and at school. My parents are getting their bathroom renovated at the deck while my dad’s also setting up his studio so there’s a ton of junk around the house. School is no different. Tonight’s a relatively peaceful night because finals week just ended, but the weeks leading up to that have been chaotic. A week ago, a classmate of mine offered me money for my academic paper because he’s failing. I was gravely insulted and went off on him; I never thought anyone would actually stoop that low just to pass a class. What a loser.
Anyway, I am almost three months in as a strict vegan, and just found out a week ago that I won the position of Features Editor of my school paper so that’s something to keep my spirits up. I had a talk with my two predecessors/former editors and it was very…I don’t know, heartwarming, I guess? It’s just what I need to give me the right boost of morale. I am excited and scared at the same time. Excited because, hello, I’m finally editor?! I thought it was a pretty good level up from being a staff writer for two years, so I’d like to believe all my hard work paid off. I’m excited of all the stories I’ll write, of all the new people I’ll meet, and helping out my fellow writers to better their writing. I’m not just writing anymore, I realized. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m managing a team now and have bigger responsibilities that I cannot afford to neglect.
On the other hand, I am so afraid. Afraid of all the errors I’ll make, the conflict I may have with others, of being disliked by my peers. What if I don’t turn out as a good editor? How do you become a good editor anyway? It’s what I’ve been thinking of for the past few days and I have no answer. I don’t think anybody has it, to be honest. So I guess just have to trust myself. Whatever I endeavor in this life, I shall make a go for it and give my utmost best–regardless of the circumstances. And I shall not fail.
Ironically, I am listening to Elton John’s Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me. It sort of fits my situation. “…Although I search myself, there’s always someone else I see..”
This is my favorite song and it makes me feel like an impostor. It’s probably my favorite because it affirms my self-deprecation and denial. God, I am such a tool.
Anyway, never mind that. It is a beautiful song, really.
On to more important things! I am holding my first storyboard on Tuesday, so I’m looking forward to that (anxiously!!!) but I shouldn’t over think it (note to self!!!). I have a two week break from uni before the start of the new (and my last!!!) academic year and before official editor duties begin, so I have time to get back to working out. I’m also doing thesis and internship next academic year so my hands will be pretty full! I’m actually excited to be busy and have lots of things to do! I really don’t like being idle.
Also, tomorrow is my 20th birthday. I hope people don’t make a fuss. I only wish for quiet, solitary days. Maybe I’l end this superfluous rant here because I need to clean my room. I don’t want a messy room to sleep in all day for my birthday tomorrow. Either way, I missed writing my thoughts. I missed this, the feeling of urgency because I have so much to say, but my hand can only go so fast, the pain shooting in my arm from too much writing… I miss this. I love this. I live for this feeling.