(written Nov. 10)
I cannot deal with loss. Yesterday was my uncle’s burial and it was something difficult for me to come into terms with. I don’t like it when someone goes away, ever. It doesn’t matter if it’s temporary or permanent–I just don’t like it. When I saw my aunt and her little kids crying by the casket, I felt all choked up, like a marble was stuck on my throat. I tried to breathe deeply, to focus on the flowers in my hands than the situation, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. It is so difficult when you are faced with a death and you don’t know how to deal with it. When the casket was lowered down to the ground, I had a realization. That it doesn’t matter whether you think you are loved or not, there is always someone who will love you from the ground.
When they started to pile on the rocks and soil, I detached myself from the family and started walking back to the car slowly. It was a very windy day and at that moment, I felt at peace. The trees were rustling and as I walked past each headstone, I read words such as “in loving memory” “rest in peace” “forever in our hearts…”
I thought, it must be so difficult to live your life without your other half. I think that takes a huge amount of strength to do and if I were to be honest, I would rather die with my love than live without him. It’s such a cruel thing, to have to live with separate hearts. I wouldn’t be able to that that. Life is not fair.
I felt overcome with emotions and tried to revert back to my default self: put up the fences, act tough, don’t show any emotions… I’ve gotten so used to this facade that I can’t imagine myself without it anymore. I went to bed with a heavy feeling and woke up with the world on my shoulders. I knew today was going to be a bad day.
And here I am now, writing with my heart open and unsupported once more. Class just ended and the first thing I did was look for a quiet place to write. I am so full of emotions right now. I have so much of it and I don’t know what to do with it anymore.