idk

i talked to a therapist and geez, he told me i have to face my fear. and i scoffed at the idea because i don’t have any fears, but then i contemplated about it, till i realized that all this time i’ve been so scared of you, that i feared you. when you messaged me, i was afraid, even when i was talking to you over the summer, and even as i’m typing this message and prior to sending it to you, i felt afraid. i think what i feared the most was your rejection, that if i sent you this letter you would laugh at me, that you’d tell someone about it and you’d laugh at me together, that you’d think i’m shameless and silly, that after all these years i’m still embittered. i’m scared that you’d make fun of me for even bothering, that it was a sign of weakness to put my pride down to even bother writing this.

but i don’t want to care about that anymore, i don’t want to care about your reaction. you’re thousands of miles away and how you will react to this, i think, shouldn’t worry me when it’s that far away. i just don’t want to be meek anymore and let things go like it never happened, because it did happen. and i want to tell you that you hurt me real bad and i just want you to know that it was unfair, that i didn’t deserve that treatment, that you didn’t even give me time to retaliate, that real friends don’t do that to each other, that i would’ve never done that to you, to bail out on you, if it were me who was in your position.

and i believe we did have real conversations back then. i enjoyed our talks. we never ran out of things to talk about. i think now, when i think about my realest conversations, i think some of them were with you. and when you messaged me during the summer and i asked you how you’ve been, what i was really trying to say that time was that i think I’ve missed you more than anything i’ve ever missed.

i think what happened to our friendship is unfortunate, but it was a reality that i had to accept. the reality that we’re neither on good terms or bad, not even friends or enemies, but just reduced to nothing.

i just want you to know that i’m in a good place now and i know you are too. I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for. I guess I’m sorry for everything; for you, for what you did, for me, for being too angry, for being hateful, for how we handled things. I don’t even know.  maybe i just feel sorry for what happened to our friendship because it really is a sorry thing, looking at it now. i guess an apology is an automatic response now, like a default, when i don’t know what else to say. and knowing that we never ran out of things to talk about years ago, as i type this, i realize that i really have nothing to say anymore, that for the first time, i’ve finally run out of words to tell you. i don’t know what else to say to prolong this letter, but i guess like most letters, it has to end with me wishing you the best. so i wish you the best. and that i’m here, wishing for your best, hoping that you are well and happy. and i guess that’s all i ever wanted to say, really.

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